the dungeon of despair {letters to kai}

it had been a bad day. a bad roll of days. a bad week. i had just declared to the world the most magnificent thing. i declared that i had been healed. and i knew. i knew the week that would follow that statement would have its challenges. i knew to expect the word to be tested. i knew & yet still wasn't quite prepared & unraveled quicker than my resolve could hold. maybe it was how the testing came from such unexpected places. maybe it was the bulk effect of multiple things coming at one time. but whatever the reason, i was in the unraveled place. a dark, dungeon-y place. a place i had just declared i'd never be in again. and i was sad. 

it was a rainy day & we were watching veggie tales’ 'robin good & his not so merry men'. you were nested sweetly on my lap while the others flipped & flopped on & off the couch & surrounding pillows. 

i was stroking your hair while we watched & i choked back a few tears. this veggie tales was a little too close to home. everything from lenny & his lost birthday with his mom singing to him about where to put our hurts & disappointments to the fat motherly gourd who consoles robin good or the sheriff in the dungeon of despair, too sad to escape. feeling ridiculous how much i was relating to a movie based on the lives of vegetables, i reel in my emotions. this is silly i think to myself. and then, with your eyes still fixed on the tv, you say...

"i'm so sorry mummy"

"so sorry for what?" i ask.

"so sorry for my God."

"what do you mean God is sorry?"

"God says i’m so sorry for the dungeon of despair."

big tears began to well in my eyes as i clutch you a little closer. 

"that's nice kai. that's very nice." i squeak out. 

"yeah." you say, eyes still glued to the screen, like nothing profound just happened. like you didn't just give your first, life changing prophetic word. 

you wiggle free a few moments later & bound across the ottoman & leap into the big arm chair finding a new spot to perch. 

“i love you kai” i say.

“i know & you & God made me special & you love me very much” you pause a moment & then mumble under your breath as you get lost in the movie again, “and i love you too mummy”.

sometimes you just need someone to see you. you need to know that they know how much it hurts. and that is what God did that day. He saw me. i know that God doesn’t cause pain or hurt. He isn’t the author of despair. but knowing that He doesn’t cause suffering & knowing that He is there in the suffering with you are two different things. He saw me & i turned into His embrace. seeing someone is a powerful thing. truly seeing someone & choosing to be there beside them. just being there to know. being there to see. being there to impart comfort & courage & hope. He was there because you lent your tiny voice to His. and He spoke bedrock to my quicksand. He spoke security & strength to shaky knees. 

these may be choices you are someday faced with. when disappointment crosses your path, will you turn into His embrace or will you turn away in your hurt? will you listen to the still, small voice there beside you that says “I’m here & I love you & I hurt when you hurt.” i pray that you'll know His presence & turn to Him. the only One who truly knows what our hurts feel like & carries them for us if we let Him. the only real comfort a soul can feel. the love of a saving Saviour & the embrace of the extravagant Father. 

it was a completely ordinary moment transformed into holy by your tiny voice. don’t ever underestimate the power of your little voice. for even you my little kai, at the small age of three, have already had a profound effect on my life.