three in diapers does have a silver lining...

box diapers were on sale for half price at loblaws this week. so we cleaned them out & decided it was a great day for a diaper fort! we're saving up those pampers points for something good. 6000 points & counting... {and who said there wasn't an upside to having 3 in diapers!} this is definitely on the gift list today!

it was much harder than it looks!
that plastic is slippery!


the eye of the storm {emotional tsunami's & the like}

they say hurricane sandy is headed our way with her pummelling rains, her wicked winds & rising torrents.  they're calling her the 'frankenstorm'. they say to expect power outages & flash flooding.  they've started to evacuate new york but we wait. they say she'll begin to lose her power before she hits us, with no water body to feed off.  and so we wait.

and so i wait.  the doctors say that i am in the middle of my own storm. after having four kids in two-in-a-half years, my body has sustained a pretty awesome estrogen high for a significant period of time.  the doctors say it's estrogen withdrawal, like a drug withdrawal.  who knew you could be addicted to pregnancy & breast feeding. and who knew a body could throw such a temper tantrum with crazy symptoms like heart palpitations, chest pain, headaches & migraines, intense nausea, fatigue, hallucinations, sweating & flushed face, muscle tension, irritability or agitation, anxiety, poor concentration, lack of motivation for daily tasks, changes in appetite, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, trouble sleeping, lack of pleasure or interest in most or all activities, social isolation or being withdrawn or unconnected & depression... just to name a few. :)

i have weathered this storm before & have been equipped for the journey ahead. i have made a jogging date with a good friend.  my cupboards are stocked with menotea & estrosmart.  my ipod is fully loaded for worship basking & new books on the night stand to scrub the mind.  i am guarding my confession & self-esteem in the Word above all other words.  the gratitude journal is open and i have found solace in the tips & encouragement from friends & resources. from people who have done this & conquered not just survived.

i am determined to not give this storm anything to feed off, like a hurricane without water. storms come our way and we can either fuel them or fight them.  i am determined that this storm will dry up as it progresses. i know i am still going to feel it but i am not going to fuel it. i have been a storm survivor in the past & i will be a storm tamer only because the best Storm Tamer is in me.

but as all good storm hunters know, the heart of the hurricane is the key.  the place that makes all the storm chasing worth it.  the eye of the storm, the centre of revelation, where the storm is rendered helpless & all of it's secrets are offered up for those who fight to get to the centre. the secrets to true joy & revelations of real love all wrapped up in battering winds & temperamental typhoon. they say the eye of the storm is where comparatively light winds & fair weather can be found, amidst the ravaging gales.  where little or no precipitation & sometimes even blue skies or stars can be seen. it's finding that place that makes you better.  makes you stronger to face the other side.

this is where the rubber hits the road. where belief meets reality.  and i am strong & courageous. not deterred by pain or danger. focussed on my target, chasing the eye of the storm.

"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." 
{roman 8:28}
"and then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm..." {job 38:1}


lessons in the losses: prophetic identity

i started this little series long ago, and thought i might dust it off & revive it...

lesson #7: you're not your past or your performance

post-partum blah, or any kind of mood funk really, has a way of corrupting, twisting what we already know.  subverting the truth about our circumstances, our relationships, our realities & ourselves.
gideon meets his prophetic identity
i once heard someone say the two most important questions in life are, who do you say Jesus is & who do you say you are.  the answer to the first question, for me, has never changed only expanded in it's vastness.  however, the second question seems to change depending on how i perceive my past & my performance.
hence, the need for an i am statement. i want to take every prophetic word over my life, both scriptural & individual, and use it to rewrite my biography. taking the meat of the prophetic word & boiling it down to who that word says i am, not just what it says i will do.  to make an i am statement, helping me see my identity, not subject to my past failure or triumph, but seeing my identity from heaven's perspective & then living like it is already true, if only because God says it's true.
"the truest thing in the universe is what God says about you." 
{dano mccullam}                   
when you know who you were made to be, then what you do becomes defined by who heaven says you are, instead of the other way around (doing to become in stead of becoming to do).  i don't just want to be aware of the truth but secure in it.  i want to be transformed by it like that glum chum gideon turned valiant warrior.  this is my gideon's angel, declaring the truth into becoming.  the angel didn't just meet gideon where he was at but changed where he was at by speaking life.  no more agreement with my own dowdy perspective & current failures. but total trust, in the Great I Am in whom i find my i am.
"but moses said to God, 'who am i?'.... and God said 'I will be with you'." 
{exodus 3:11-12}


burn like a fire in me

never before has letting go felt so good.  never has losing control looked so attractive.

there are moments, outside of real life, where God seemingly pauses time to highlight something.  this is one of those moments for me.  never have i been more aware of why i was created. for total surrender.  for His glory. because there is no other way but the way of total surrender.

and so it is with learning this path of total surrender, that we glory seekers find our truest pleasure in life.  we find Him on His throne, in His sanctuary.  sometimes, i get so caught up in asking God to come & fill my space, my sanctuary, that I forget, worship is also about entering His.

"Praise the Lord.  Praise Him in His sanctuary; praise Him in His mighty heavens" {psalm 150:1}

and that is where this glory seeker has her eyes set now.  not just on pulling Him in all His glory down, but also ascending the mountain, climbing to the heavens to meet Him face to face.
burn like a fire in me.


the anniversary of a miracle

she was twelve long days overdue. those twelve days were longer than her brother's record fifteen days overdue.  those twelve days seemed longer than the many weeks before her due date. we were convinced by this belly stretched goodness that she would surely make her arrival soon but the waiting, so long. it seemed long because we really had been waiting from fifteen weeks gestation on, uncertain if she'd be born alive.  uncertain that she'd have a working heart.  and so a year ago today, all the anticipation & waiting had come to a head. the time to test the miracle had come.
in the middle of labour, the cardiologist called my cell phone too early, expecting that surely the baby had been born already.  she called to see the state of the heart... in the middle of labour... in the middle of the labour & delivery ward, where all the other mothers were pushing out healthy hearted babies with roars of faith that they'd for sure hold their little promises at the end of that push.  but not me.  not so sure after that phone call.  i knew this baby had been miraculously healed of downs syndrome.  every chromosome knitted together in perfection. how really could i doubt that she would make her arrival as anything less than perfectly healed?  but there was still a lingering question mark.  i had been certain she was perfect, until the cardiologist called... in the middle of contraction squeezing labour.
and then the time had come.  i was done waiting. done being induced.  done hearing those adrenaline pulsing screams from the other labour rooms.  i wanted my baby.  i wanted my promise safe in my arms. and once i had decided that i was ready, everything went fast.  they whisked us into the chilly operating room until minutes later... we heard that glorious fear shattering cry of our long awaited promise, taking her first breath of life.

and so today is a special day.  it's a special day, not because we haven't celebrated birthdays before but because this is the anniversary of the very first, life altering miracle i had ever seen & held with my own arms. holding my little victorious conquering peace.


a captive with the keys

i've been out of the habit.  out of the habit of blogging.  out of the habit of practicing the Presence.  out of the habit being me.  i could say i had been swallowed up by a big, mean, deep, dark hole but the truth is, i am not a victim.  i am a conquerer.  i could say that i got locked up in a place where the truth gets so fuzzy sometimes it's hard to recognize myself.  but the truth is, i am not a prisoner. maybe a captive, but a captive with the keys in my hands.  the truth is, i forgot.  i forgot who i am.  where i was going. forgot to say thanks. forgot the benefits.

"praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits." 
{psalm 103:2}

the truth of the matter is, i lost my habits.  the habits of health.  the habits of healing.  the habits of growth.  habits of glory to glory.  the little things that change big things. and then there's the BIG thing that changes everything.  and it's only Him that ministers peace when anxiety clenches the chest, when my emotions thunder & throb through my head, nurses nauseated spirit, speaks order to the chaos, health to the sick.

and so i am choosing to learn. choosing to see.  choosing to trust.  choosing to dig my feet in & fight.  this is where i thrive. where i become. where i live the promise.

"people with their minds set on You, You keep completely whole..." 
{isaiah 26:3, msg}