battling selfishness

another excerpt from jean flemming's "a mother's heart", a follow up to "mother's rights?"...

"to be selfish means being "concerned chiefly or only with oneself, without regard for the well-being of others."  selfishness attacks all of us.  we may face shortages of natural resources, jobs, and food; but we never lack selfishness.  and now needs to learn selfishness because it comes naturally...
... sometimes a child's need interrupt my bath, reading a good book, a sewing project, or an interesting phone call.   the interruption may be in the form of tears, a bloody nose, an argument, a piercing scream or an explosion into the back bedroom.  whatever form it takes, i resent it.
how often i've resented these violations of my "rights", when i should have thanked God that I could be there when my children had a need.  recently i found a diary page i wrote during a time of discouragement some years ago.  my complaint was entitles, "what bothers me about being a mother"

1. the demands on my time
2. serving them over & over
3. never finishing my work
4. i'm frustrated by not knowing how to handle problems {should i discipline or comfort, make them play alone or do something with them?}
5. no time for my interests

throughout the years, when my children were still at home, these five complaints continued to pinpoint most of the struggles i faced.  perhaps you can identify with me.  but have you noticed that four out of five of these complaints are "me-centred"?  only number four is truly concerned with doing what is right for them.
but learning how to love others as Christ has loved us means putting the needs of others above our own."

mother's rights?

for whatever reason i have found that motherhood has aggravated a disproportionate amount of anger in me.  i wasn't sure until now exactly what it was.  it's this weird paradox of loving motherhood & my babies but i am so suddenly angry sometimes.  you know those moments where the only way you are getting to go to the bathroom today is with a clingy toddler on your lap, or the second you finally nod off to sleep after an exhausting day and a baby stirs & demands more attention, or as you go to take the first & only bite of your own lunch & your toddler screams "more! more! me hungry!".  in moments like these, there is a not so silent voice inside me that screams, "what about ME! i am a person too!"

i found this little nugget of wisdom in jean flemings "a mother's heart", a book which i am constantly returning to & culling out more wisdom.  it has really helped me work through some of those 'moments'. that's not to say that we shouldn't get time to ourselves, or prioritize our own health as we all know this is a necessary part of a healthy, happy home.  but it is after all of the proactive, planned mummy time, when those unavoidable moments arise & someone dare demands something else of you, that we die to self.  die to our own rights.

"our society does not easily identify with Jesus' example of giving up His rights.  instead we assert our rights: women's rights, gay rights, children's rights, minority rights... new categories are constantly being added to the list.
mothers, too, grasp for their rights, but sometimes they find their capacity to love is dissipated by their firm resolve to protect those rights.  a mother in one cartoon is seen tacking up a sign: "mother goes off duty at 8pm".  that seems fair enough, doesn't it?  after all, who has longer hours than a mother?  should we perhaps organize or unionize to ensure our right to some time off?

the world urges us, "assert yourself," "fulfill yourself," "liberate yourself," "please yourself," "satisfy yourself."  but Jesus says, "die to yourself."  it seems like a step backward.  our lives are to be sacrificed for others, not in some sort of melodramatic martyr complex, but in following the daily challenge of Christ's example.  listen to Jesus' words:

"i tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. but if it dies, it produces many seeds.  the man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." {john 12:24-25}

Christ commands us to love even as He loves. "my command is this: love each other as i have loved you.  greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends {john 15:12-13}.  love is laying down our lives for others... to love is to die. when most of us think of dying for someone, a dramatic picture usually comes to mind. perhaps you envision yourself leaping in front of a friend to take a bullet intended for him... certainly these are examples of love, but Jesus calls us to a way of dying that is less romantic.  each day we  have numerous opportunities to live for others and not ourselves... perhaps the ability to truly enjoy one another comes in proportion to the unselfishness of our love."

clever muffins {pizza muffins}

after finishing my post on scrambled egg muffins, i found this neat little recipe.  also excellent for long car rides or a busy day out. it's cute little muffin shape just lures those toddlers into finally being 'sufficiently sophonsified'{a phrase i have only ever heard mama jamiah use}.  although, i don't think i have ever had any trouble getting those toddlers to eat just normally shaped pizza.  i think next time i make these i will experiment a little ... like maybe some pureed spinach or sliced turkey bacon.  i love experimenting.

pizza muffins
adapted from smart muffins by happy, healthy mama
1 egg
1/2 cup tomato sauce
1 cup plain yogurt
1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese, plus a little for sprinkling on top
1 tsp crushed dry oregano
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1 1/2 cups whole-wheat pastry flour * i used multi-grain flour
3 tsp wheat germ
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup finely diced red bell pepper
grape tomatoes, sliced
sesame seeds

preheat oven to 400 degrees. butter or oil 12 regular sized muffin cups {if you use paper liner, oil them! i did not & the muffins stuck to the paper a bit.  just a bit annoying, that's all!}. in a medium bowl whisk together the egg, tomato sauce & yogurt.  add the cheese & spices & stir.  in a separate bowl, mix together the flour wheat germ, baking powder & baking soda.  combine wet & dry ingredients, mix until there are no dry patches.  fold in the peppers. spoon the batter into the muffin cups and top each one with a few slices of tomato then sprinkle with sesame seeds & cheese.
bake for 25 minutes in the preheated oven.  beware, they smell fantastic!  enjoy!

how emptiness sings... {a song diary}

for when grief swells & soul throbs & twists & aches...
we lay our wounds on His...
and oh, how emptiness sings...


i love this girl! check her out here.

scrambled egg muffins

another jessica seinfeld recipe from her doubly delicious cookbook! this one is perfect for early morning car rides or a quick bite of lunch while we're out & about, with lots of protein & little mess. i make these the night before a busy day.  i like knowing that i don't have to sacrifice our healthy lifestyle for our busy one.  it's all in the organization! {which doesn't always happen but there is always grace!} i also like that these are called 'muffins'.  for some reason they'll eat anything shaped like a muffin.  these go down super easy with the kidlets.

scrambled egg muffins
ingredients:

• nonstick cooking spray * i used olive oil in spray bottle
• 4 slices nitrate-free turkey bacon
• 3 large egg whites
• 1 large egg
• 1/2 cup chopped, low-sodium chickpeas, rinsed & drained* i used pc brand
• 1/4 cup nonfat skim milk * i used almond milk
• 4 teaspoons grated parmesan

directions:

1. preheat oven 400 degrees. spray a baking sheet with nonstick cooking spray or tinfoil; place bacon on prepared baking sheet & transfer to oven.  bake until crisp, 10-15 minutes.
2. meanwhile, in a small bowl, whisk together egg whites, egg, chickpeas & milk.  coat 4 cups in a 6-cup standard muffin tin with nonstick cooking spray. divide egg mixture evenly among prepared cups.  remove bacon from oven & cut with kitchen shears or thinly slice into 1/2 inch pieces.  sprinkle bacon over eggs & top each with 1 teaspoon parmesan.
3. transfer to oven & bake until eggs puff and are cooked through, 12-15 minutes.  remove egg muffins from muffin pan & let cool slightly before serving.

morning confessions {letters to davith}

it's so early not even the sun is up yet.  i herd you & brother & sister with baby in hand down the stairs,  flip on the overhead kitchen lights.  too bright! i settle for just the light over the oven for now.  easier on tired eyes.  brother & sister find their places at the counter & you pull yourself up on a kitchen chair & perch yourself to play with baby sister's feet as she bounces in her seat in the middle of the table.
i scurry around the kitchen spilling cereal & milk all over the counter... quickly before there's a riot, breakfast quickly.... coffee quickly.
you peer past little sisters seat at a leftover dinner plate as she squeals with delight.
"mummy?  is Jesus coming to breakfast?" you ask.
goodness i hope not, the house is a mess! i'm a mess! i think to myself.  people are a lot more honest in the wee hours of the morning, or so i have found.
"ummm, what's that now?" i stall to pull together an answer.
"is Jesus coming over today?"
i squint still half  asleep...sigh.  why do you always ask the most complicated theological questions before dawn & while reverend daddy is no where to be found.
"well, yes He is... i mean, He's always here.  He's all around us & He comes with us everywhere we go.  He lives in our hearts." whew!
"does He like our cheerios?" crap! i scour my brain, trying to remember what all of the parenting books i've read said.  dozens of books, none i recall addressing this question.

"mmmmm, i don't know, why don't you ask Him?" cringe.
"Jesus, do you like cheerios?" you ask to the seat next to you. "He not answer me Mummy." crap, crap!
 "weeeell, sometimes we need to learn to listen differently.  He doesn't always talk to us like other people do." i am drowning fast, i rub the sleep from my eyes & take a deep breath.  trying to come up with a way to salvage my pitiful answers.
"can Santa come to breakfast?" cringe.  deep breath.  the answer i know i have to give runs rough against my grain.
"well, Santa isn't real peanut.  he's just like bob & larry or bambi.  we just pretend play Santa..." so did not want to tell you that at the age of three. thought we could at least keep the rouse going until age 6.
"oh." long pause. "can we put Jesus away?"
"well, some people try to put Jesus away but we lose when we don't have Jesus.  Jesus is a person.  we can't put Him away.  we only like to think we can.  that's like me saying 'let's put davith away!'"
you giggle at the thought of being put away in a toy box or a closet.
"that's silly mummy... silly mummy!"  i smile.  yes, silly mummy.  to think that Jesus would mind the crumb littered floor or the spilt milk or my pre caffeine hair or my apparent lack of parenting skills.  no.  He'd be right at home here.  He is right at home here.  here with me & you & brother, sister & baby.  i think of all the times i've tried to 'put Jesus away'.  how many days, how many mornings i've 'lost' trying to hide under my humanity.  avoiding His goodness, His love.  i don't even know why.  embarrassment maybe?  but Jesus took us, chose us before we ever had the ability to please Him.  no need to hide the imperfection from Him.  He chose you & He chose me, with messy hair, sleep lines & morning breath.  He chose us.  And He hears your questions, although you haven't yet learned yet how to distinguish His voice.  And He has all the answers.  He has so much to tell you, so much to pour into you & out of you.  He is there dear son.  all around you whispering His love for you through the cheerios, through pjs & spilt milk.  and He is there even in the wee hours of the morning. 

the burnout remedy

"and now, dear brothers & sisters, one final thing.  fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.  think about things that are excellent & worthy of praise."

{phil 4:8}

i give thanks & fresh wind blows on smoldering soot.  i give thanks & the embers begin to crackle. i give thanks & flames leap to faith.  i give thanks & i am bright & burning & bold again.  hot with passion, brimming with light.  the darkness devoured.  i am fully satisfied here.  here in the place of thanks, a feast for the famished.  fat with favour.

709. walter meets willemena
710. beholding & beloving the broken
711. porch side chats in spring air
712. glistening, sparkling hope
713. a light that never dims
714. boys & the sounds they find funny
715. holding littleness, helpless babe
716. forgiving sand
717. slip socks
718. watching a field being deeply culled  
719. a homemade egg & cheddar sandwich
720. remembering