beautiful blessings, ugly doors

 my husband travels from time to time.  it's an integral part of his God given calling.  it's not my favourite part but it is a necessary part.  this is challenging for us at the stage of family life we are at.  i have found myself at a crossroads of seeing & understanding the need for travel but also feeling the weight of carrying family life while steve is gone. in previous travels & trips, that weight has been crushing.  but these past few travels & trips have been a revelation to me.  they have been a gift i could not have gone without.

my first revelation was in seeing it all as a gift.  i have been reluctant or resistant to giving in this area of my life. it is a sweaty, stinky, ugly sacrifice.  there is nothing romantic about sleepless nights, shower-less days, piles of poop & constant single-handed disciplining.  i think i had subconsciously decided that because i was reluctant to giving in that area, i had to exaggerate my sacrifice to make it count for more.  i had to make a choice.  a choice to receive His provision not a choice to see the sacrifice, to see the lack.   to see that Christ increases in the situation not the anti-Christ.  i previously have not wanted to see God's provision because it was not the way i preferred Him to provide.  i wanted Him to provide through Steve & to be honest, i really do love to play victim occasionally.  God doesn't conceal blessings from us but for us.  and sometimes He hides it in places we don't want to look like places sacrifice.  beautiful gifts are found behind ugly doors.  heaven's treasure buried beneath uncomfortable places.

we always discuss trips together, submitting to each others needs & desires & convictions.  but when i began to seek & hear God myself as to the purpose of the trip, i can go forth out of my own convictions. i then felt as though i had played a crucial role in God's purpose by releasing him to go.  after i had processed in my spirit to release steve to do something, then my heart & mind followed.  it completely deflated the opportunity for resentment & opened the door to joy & peace. the process of releasing him has been crucial in my journey.  when there is joy & peace in my heart rather than resentment, i believe it has opened heaven's outpouring of God's resources for me & i have been in a better place to see & receive it.  i provide the sacrifice, He provides the fire.  tipping resentment & pain on it's head & turning in, instead of away from God my Father.  it's that sweetly surrendered place of intimacy with the Lord.  sometimes when steve returns from his travels, i ache & crave the times of sole reliance on the Father.  i don't ever want that passionate pursuit of Him to fade as i have the opportunity to lean on other things.  even God given things like my husband.

it is the ugly turned beautiful. pain transformed into healing.  lack transpired into abundance.

*part deux still to come on this theme of sacrifice... i have learned so much over the past year, too much to fit in just one blog post... stay tuned!