she sings to me...

i am prone to anger. if there were one emotion that i found it difficult to not be overtaken by it would be that one.

and when i get frustrated, i get so angry it boils over & fills the house like a terrifying roar.

i have been frustrated for long time now. it had all seemingly stemmed out of some of the post-partum struggles i had written about. and then just crept in & taken over my garden like a vicious weed sometime after that.  i had tried to fight the urge to explode but if i kept my mouth shut it steamed out my eye sockets! there just didn't seem to be a victorious way to control my temper. and with four little-ing, one whopping lifestyle change with mounds & mounds of unearth-able stress on top, there has been no shortage of legitimate reasons to spontaneously combust.

and then after a shameful incident, i couldn't ignore it anymore. i wasn't trying to ignore it before. i just didn't know what to do or how to stop yelling. i just looked into my youngest eyes & she was frightened & i broke into a million pieces that felt like they could never go back together again. how did i get here? i asked myself. i am an overwhelmed, overworked mother of four youngsters who cannot keep her voice under control. and my hopelessness swelled.

and so i prayed because there had been nothing else to help. i had read the books. locked myself in the bathroom for timeouts. counted to ten. tried to talk in whispers & i just couldn't control myself. and so i prayed a tearful prayer of repentance & i broke it open before the Lord & asked him to help me.

and then i picked myself off the floor, didn't even bother to wipe the tears from my cheeks & walked down the hall to see to the screaming balls of children at the end of the hall. i silently separated them onto their beds & decided to try to reflect on what to do next while repairing eva's closet doors which wouldn't stay in their tracks properly. i think my silence scarred the kids more than if i had yelled for some reason. and eva who had been placed on her bed, was listening to my deep, deep sighs as i fiddled with the broken hardware of her closet door & she just started singing. she said, she knew just the song to make me feel better & sang away! and i felt the mounds of pent up pressure inside fizzle out & peace drift in. it was a sweet little song about how much Jesus loves me & how i don't have to be frustrated because He's so wonderful. it was slightly off tune & ranged from a soft whisper to a starling howl but it was anointed.

she does it all the time now. sings. often when she thinks i'm frustrated (even if she mistakes hard work for frustration... i don't mind), she just start belting it out. and i can't help but smile & let go of whatever emotion is all tangled up inside... exhaustion, anxiety, worry, frustration... all gone at the sound of that little voice offering her praise to up to Jesus.

it was & is a supernatural answer to my prayer. i can't even really explain why it has helped so much. it just has.

now i carry that song with me, even when she is not. :)
"i love Jesus because He don't get frustrated with me!"

lesson in the losses: lifetime realities & greater things

lesson in the losses #9: i was chosen not on my own merit or strength, but because of my insignificance

the time is now. that is the Word to the church today. ready or not... here we go, He says.  it's on the job training. no more sermons. no more sitting. time to step out & into greater things.

there are times in life when i just feel so small & insignificant. i look at the legacy i've been handed. a heritage overflowing with righteous, truth fighters.  a history filled with intercessors praying day & night until heaven came down, until the face of God met them. filled with the dead leaping forth to life by the command of a man's mouth, leprosy devoured limbs growing back whole. the mentally insane being set completely free from their tortures, demons cast into pigs.  the legacy i have been left is filled with sea splitting, cloak smacking faith & bushes that burn but don't burn up. filled with smoke rich extraordinary encounters, people swept up by chariots of fire. of people so drenched in presence that they are transported through time & space. this is the legacy i've been asked to carry.

and even after all this that has been before, the Lord says...

"i tell you the truth. the person that believes in me will do the same things I have done. yes! he will do even greater things than i have done." 

{john 14:12-13}

we haven't even scratched the surface. more. always more. greater things. even greater things you shall see & do.

i have been thinking on the israelites.  thinking how God chose israel not based on their own merit or strength, but because of their insignificance. it was because they were weak, He was strong. it's the humble He choses to raise up. He does that.  He takes the lowly & despised things & breathes His great glory into them.

i think about what the Lord has asked me to do, asked me to pursue, challenged me to be. and i feel so unable & weary kneed. so untalented & unskilled. and then i remember my brothers peter & john.

"now as they observed the confidence of peter & john & understood that they were uneducated & untrained, they were amazed & began to recognize them as having been with Jesus"

 {acts 4:13}

i know i was born for the impossible. i know that the life i lead is impossible & is about to get

more impossible. but i pray that when the world observes my confidence, they will begin to recognize that i have been with Jesus. because it's only in Him the impossible is made possible. it's only in Him that the greater things that have been left to my lifetime will become a reality. and that is the key... being with Jesus. all things are found there. the insignificant made significant. the uneducated & untrained become amazing. the small & lowly become greater things. 

"for the Kingdom of God is not in word, but in power." 

{1 corinthians 4:20}

lesson in the losses: unholy moments & imperfect progress

lesson #9: "redemption is better than perfection" {kristene mueller}

hello there. i'm still here. attempting to get my writing groove back on after my little holiday sabbatical. although, it wasn't really the holiday's fault. maybe my own pride. i hate writing from unholy moments. and as of late, i seem to have been swallowed up by a whole tidal wave of unholy. you know, the moments where you fall between the cracks, out from underneath grace & find yourself picking up the pieces of your raw emotions. i've tried to avoid writing when these moods brood because, well, i don't really want to remember them. it's like evidence. a documenting of my falling shortness. nothing perfect. nothing pressed. it's too real. it's too rumpled. but a fellow friend has inspired me by her courageous journey to write her own story of struggle redeemed & i have decided to lay down perfection & pick up redemption too. it's called the beautiful process of "imperfect progress". i've always held back if i know that i can't do it perfectly & that change doesn't always happen instantly. but where's the opportunity for change then? change damages pride. it's a risk to admit that you got it wrong. that you don't have it all together & attempt to be different. but embracing imperfect change has been a radical experience for this recovering perfectionist.

"imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace... imperfect progress. progress. just make progress. it's ok to have setbacks & the need for do-overs. it's  ok to draw the line in the sand & start over again - and again. just make sure your moving the line forward. move forward..." 

{lysa terkeurst, unglued}

"of course, this side of heaven we will not do perfectly. harsh words will be spoken, patience will wear thin. frazzled mothers will act frazzled. and when this happens, our own sinfulness does not detract from the power of the gospel, it illustrates why we need it. do not use your own mistakes as an excuse to wallow about what a bad mother you are. repent. seek forgiveness, get it right, and move on. believe. be forgiven. extend that forgiveness, that belief, that joy, to your children."
 {rachel jankovic, motherhood is application}

"the battles are raging & the casualties could be my children, my husband, or myself. this war isn't about me being mom enough. this war is about God being 'God enough'... 

and somehow, in God's mathematics of grace: mom {never enough} + God {infinitely enough} = mom enough. mom enough to believe and to be called chosen, daughter, righteous, honoured, heir, forgiven, redeemed. trusting in God, because of Christ, i will rise from the graveyard of mommy war victims, victorious & filled with resurrection power. loving & living in his perfect enough-ness, i will live to parent another day. never mom enough, but filled with the One who is always enough."
{rachel pieh jones, are you mom enough?}

these quotes have been life to me as i've been walking this process out. it's this imperfect progress that has pushed me from gospel presentation to gospel application.  i give up trying to be mom enough, perfect enough. i lay it down & surrender to this process of imperfect progress, of letting God be God enough for me, for my kids & my husband. 

cheers to this year all about surrendering to Grace. giving up & starting again in the strength of the One who perfects my imperfections. it's not all of Him & none of me but rather all of Him through all of me. and then i don't mind putting my unholy moments on display because they've become an invitation for Him to rewrite my struggle into strength. my lack into more than enough. He does that, that good God of mine. transforms all things. always singing that redemption song over me. 

lessons in the losses: lay your burdens down & other elliptical epiphanies

lesson #8: laying your burdens down & picking up your choices

i am quite proud of my gym experience. not just the physical progress but more the social progress {relationships}. as any other "shellfish" out there might empathize, making new friends can be hard when you're afraid to talk to new people. and this "shellfish" just happens to be married to the world's greatest extrovert {which means i almost never have to work on my shyness}. but i go to a women's only gym which means no extroverted mediator for me.  and so i was surprised when relationships kinda happened, accidentally. without meaning to, i mean. i think if i have thought about them too hard, they might have never happened.

anyways, the relationship i'm most proud of, isn't the grey haired spandex ladies who love to kiss the babies, or the super friendly trainers alway joking with me about my "mommy curves" but katie.  she's like me.  four kids, having a break at the gym.  she often appears beside me on the elliptical at the exact right time. and we bare our unusual stories together as we unravel "the hard part" of what we are currently facing between cardio pulsing breaths & the latest diaper blowout story.  and as out of breath we both end up being after realizing that we've jogged quite a few miles further than we meant to, i always feel like i have finally caught my breath in real life.

at one such perfect time, she told me about this family therapist she's heard about.  the one who is known as the saviour of parents, strengthening feeble knees. katie says this dr. mammon is wise to the mother's plight.  that she knows how to dismantle their low self-esteem & pick up their shattered dreams & breath life into the woman they want to be. she's not really about parenting methods.  she's more about choices.  the many choices that make up a mother's life. she boils down everything to a choice. dr. mammon says there are very few things in a day that you have to do. you don't have to do the laundry.  you don't have to wipe the counter.  you don't have to sweep the floor.  you don't have to answer that baby's cry in the night. you don't have to go to that mommy & me class. and by being conscious of the choices that we are making & not seeing them as something you have to do, but rather something we choose to do, we are empowered.  she wants us to change our language from i have to, to i'm going to.  i am going to do the grocery shopping. i am going to get dressed today. i am going to have a great day.  it's responsible & decisive instead of burdensome & victim-ish. sometimes all a burden needs is the simple tweak of perspective. and it's being aware of how my own perspective, my own words can burden or liberate me.  it's the power of words. and it is powerful to know that i control what i do, even with a great many little people who occasionally appear like they're in control.  but there is always a choice available.  it's choices that make up any great day and it's choices that make up any great mom.

lessons in the losses: prophetic identity

i started this little series long ago, and thought i might dust it off & revive it...

lesson #7: you're not your past or your performance

post-partum blah, or any kind of mood funk really, has a way of corrupting, twisting what we already know.  subverting the truth about our circumstances, our relationships, our realities & ourselves.

gideon meets his prophetic identity

i once heard someone say the two most important questions in life are, who do you say Jesus is & who do you say you are.  the answer to the first question, for me, has never changed only expanded in it's vastness.  however, the second question seems to change depending on how i perceive my past & my performance.
hence, the need for an i am statement. i want to take every prophetic word over my life, both scriptural & individual, and use it to rewrite my biography. taking the meat of the prophetic word & boiling it down to who that word says i am, not just what it says i will do.  to make an i am statement, helping me see my identity, not subject to my past failure or triumph, but seeing my identity from heaven's perspective & then living like it is already true, if only because God says it's true.

"the truest thing in the universe is what God says about you." 

{dano mccullam}                   

when you know who you were made to be, then what you do becomes defined by who heaven says you are, instead of the other way around (doing to become in stead of becoming to do).  i don't just want to be aware of the truth but secure in it.  i want to be transformed by it like that glum chum gideon turned valiant warrior.  this is my gideon's angel, declaring the truth into becoming.  the angel didn't just meet gideon where he was at but changed where he was at by speaking life.  no more agreement with my own dowdy perspective & current failures. but total trust, in the Great I Am in whom i find my i am.

"but moses said to God, 'who am i?'.... and God said 'I will be with you'." 

{exodus 3:11-12}

a blogger's birth plan

i found this amusing little video the other day & thought i would post it as penance for not being the most committed blogger over the holidays.  i don't have any recollection of this video being taken but steve said he thought it was so ridiculous he had to get it on tape.  all i can say is a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get that baby out! and the weirdest thing is, i think this post actually made sense.

{side note: this is after two days of being in the labor & delivery ward... i am not usually that unsympathetic or snippy or frowny!}

lessons in the losses: pregnancy & all it's curves

lessons in the losses #6: some jeans will never fit the same way again but that just means i need new jeans that fit the new me

for most women, i think pregnancy brings up lots of body issues & insecurities.  even if you had been in reasonable control of your weight before getting pregnant, you are suddenly ferociously hungry at all times, exhausted & more emotional than you have ever been, & gaining weight at an alarming rate.  not exactly a formula for staying secure. you're not your self.  the strategies & coping skills you may have turned to before are no match for spiking hormones & the hungry little hippo which now calls the shots.  there are more than enough warning stories of those who "just let themselves go" after baby.  i think most women would agree that it can be a touch unnerving to take the plunge into parenthood trusting that you will be able return to your small self again.  but no one stays the same after becoming a parent.  it truly is an incredible transfiguration.  when i look back at what my ideals were about becoming a parent, i am proud to say that most of those have successful transformed into life giving realities.  but they didn't start that way & it certainly doesn't mean everything went as planned.  we definitely had some altering & compromises to make.  but the essence of our goals & intent as parents, was fairly intact in the end.  without the generous covering of grace & a committed attitude to change, i don't know that we could have become what we are today.  we have by no means arrived as parents but we are not where we were which is the important thing.
so even though i am dreading having the baby pudge hang around for awhile, i am determined to change it.  even though i occasionally entertain thoughts of "the fourth one always does a woman in", i refuse to give up on who i want to be.  not just in the physical appearance department but in the overall, who He has called & is continuing to chisel me into being. do i miss the mark? daily.  that's what grace & a vision for the future is for.  i know that even after having baby & losing the baby chub & perhaps a bit more, i know my body will never be the same shape.  And i don't mean that in a bad way.  just a different way.  there will be bulges where there wasn't before.  curves which were formally straight lines.  but then there will be the signs of change, the signs of life of where i housed three little lives.  my body did that.  i did that.  and i can do this.

for the joy set before me

lessons in the losses #5: fear is a just a doorway

davith is a two-year old.  and as most two-year olds, he is going through a fear stage.  i had long prepared myself for the discussion on monsters, goblins & ghosts.  however, davith has no interest in any of those seemingly classic, respectable childhood fears.  i realized this whilst almost breaking my leg flying down the stairs after hearing davith scream like he was being burnt alive... only to find out that he found a ball of fluff on the stair which he apparently found terrifying.  we had that long talk about situations deemed scream worthy. be assured finding fluff on the stairs was not one of them.  this was followed by subsequent conversations about the threat feathers, ants, toe lint & cute, fluffy little yellow chicks pose.  

i had an embarassingly simple revelation on the tail of those conversations as i found myself jumping from the doorframe of our bedroom to our bed to avoid being snatched by ET.  and i thought to myself, who is being the irrational one?  at least dust bunnies & lint actually exist in reality.  can't say the same for pruney, bony fingered, sack of skin ET.  i have just always been afraid of him.  it doesn't matter what i tell myself, still afraid, how i try to rationalize it... fear still surfaces.

i now find myself in a dimly lit hospital room, facing much more realistic or shall i say appropriate fears as the stark realization dawns on me that this child will need to make it's way into the world somehow.  after all of the uncertainty of this pregnancy, will i ever get to hold her? when will i get to hear that blessed cry? will i die?  will i rip in two? will i make it to the other side? "...but i'm not ready!"  i scream inside.   as i walk the corridors, the halls are filled with noise.  and i come to the conclusion that there isn't a more terrifying place on earth than being in the labour & delivery ward not yet in labour but about to be.  babies crying, women screaming, nurses chattering, meal carts clammer, sneakers squeak.  but only one question echos - must I drink this cup?

death & resurrection... the hope of joy set before Him.
just when you think you can endure no more, just when you've bolstered your last ounce of will, pushed with everything you've got, breathed your last, resurrection comes. new life. hope.  the kind that cannot be taken away by trouble, circumstances, not even death. for nothing is lost in Him. in Him i live & move & have my being. with Him i entrust my life.  fear cannot defeat me, will not consume me.

fear is nothing to be afraid of - it's just the door we push through to get to the other side.

and we never have to be ready - only willing.

and on the other side of that door?

one waits who knows what it's like to face a cross.  He took the worst of it for us.  And only He can speak to our hearts the only words we really need to hear...

that's what makes it all worth it. the fear.  the offering up of ourselves.

and i believe He says those well done words to each of us made brave in Jesus.

- ann voskamp, the holy experience

 we are all afraid of something, whether it be dust bunnies or ET, sickness or strife, irrational or legitimate.  open the door anyway & face fear head on... hand in hand with the Saviour, as He walks us to the other side called the resurrection life.

Jesus make me brave in you. help me drink deep of this cup & bravely endure so that i too might hold the joy on the other side.

lessons in the losses: swimsuits & stretchmarks

lesson in the losses #4: my body is more than an awkward swimsuit filler

swimsuit season is upon us. summer has arrived. the ritual has begun - squeezing three little bodies into teeny tiny swimsuits. little swim shorts brush just above the ankles, blonde hair turned invisible by water & sun, little white bum tan lines, excited little hands splash & squeal delight.

their little sun kissed patoots next to my not-so-little patoot. and it makes me proud.

because of this body of mine, which cannot seem to squeezing into any flattering shape of a bathing suit, that i birthed three beautiful children. this amazing body of mine, stretched and creased in all the wrong places, housed three sets of flailing limbs, three bony bums, three enormous heads... now making four. this body of mine, flabby where others are tight & toned, carried the miracle of life. i grew it within my womb, i nourished it with the sacrifice of love... i grew three, soon to be four, gorgeously healthy & strong children... and there is no shame in that, no need for insecurity or embarrassment.

so take that swimsuit season... i am proud to bear the marks of life, the badges of honor, that make me a mother to three, very soon to be four, gorgeous babies. there is nothing more beautiful than that. my body is so much more than swimsuit filler, so very much more.

lessons in the losses

lesson #3: the weapon of mass destruction

i have recently began rereading mahave chavda's book "the hidden power of speaking in tongues" and I am ever remind of this particular weapon of mass destruction. i call it that because it is able to destruct any fowl mood or temper, arrest terrible thoughts and overwhelming emotion, able to recharge and energize, equip and empower - i love my renewed revelation.

when i was first baptized in the spirit, i spoke in tongues all the time, but now that the novelty has worn off and there are so many more distraction in day now that i have 3 kids, i had much neglected this wonderful tool. but now that i have 3 kids, the more the reason i need it.

my renewed sense of empowerment came from observing a dear friend of mine discipline her son over eating a freezie. as the frustration began to mount, my friend suddenly began speaking in tongues and an immediate peace was brought to her demeanor. it was incredible to watch but hard to articulate. her son didn't stop his persistence or demands but the building pressure of the situation was deflated and she was at peace.

i personally find it very difficult to be at peace while disciplining so i thought i would give it a whirl and i have been continually surprised. i have been anxiously looking for other opportunities to apply this wmd to and one such opportunity happened while hosting life group at our home last week. we just so happened to be discussing speaking in tongues when all of a sudden a giant bang and scream came from davith's room. i threw my bible across the room and ran upstairs to find him crumpled in a ball on his bedroom fall having fallen out of bed. he was still asleep but very upset. i scooped him up into my arms and cuddled him but couldn't get him to calm down. i tried explaining to him he wasn't going to fall out anymore, lay down beside him... he was hysterical. i could think of anything else, so i started speaking in tongues over him and his crying immediately stopped. a total peace came into the room and he fell fast asleep again. even his little spirit understood. amazing.

even though this gift does not stop my kids from misbehaving or the twins from crying or pooping and barfing, it does something in me that makes me stop. where i would have yelled in frustration or cried in desperation, i am renewed by God's grace and love, empowered, equipped for whatever i may be facing.

thank-you lord for loving me enough to give me this incredible gift and may i never take it for granted.

lessons in the losses

lesson #2: if you fall off the wagon, just dust yourself off and jump back on

so many times i've wasted time wallowing in my failure. now, i just can't afford to. i just don't have time with three little ones under the age of 1 and a half. i have found tremendous freedom in realizing i don't HAVE to feel condemned and awful about myself and that i can jump back up sometimes quicker than it took me to fall down. kids are resilient, and so should moms be.

lessons in the losses

lesson #1: kids are professional mistake makers

as the perfectionist that i am, i can often put unrealistic expectations on my kids. before i became a mom, i always took pride in the fact that my theoretic children would be well groomed, clean, and well behaved ALL of the time. now that my kids are no longer theoretical, i realized all to well that kids were made to make mistakes. and they are not doing it to get back at you or because they are terrible - they are just learning in their own creative way. once i learned to embrace my kids as professional mistake maker and not take it so personally, i was able to actually look forward to those moments as opportunities to train and teach. and now, i even enjoy it... most of the time!

lessons in the losses

one thing that i think every mom finds difficult is the feeling of defeat or failure. it's the anger that boils over after stepping on a cheerio immediately after sweeping the floor. it's the feeling you get when you finally have to face the laundry monster growing in your basement or cleaning out the tub & re-bathing everyone after discovering that prunes before bath are never a good idea. it is the general feeling that all of your hard work is undone everyday and having nothing to show for it, like you've regressed since the day began.

being a teacher, i always loved that feeling of accomplishment every time i walked by my brilliant bulletin board celebrating all of the kids beautiful work or the comments i would get from fellow teachers and parents about a great idea i had. but now being at home i sometimes feel a bit lost not having that bulletin board to show all of my hard work or not having someone to commend me on a fabulous idea. it is strangely disorienting to find out no one is counting how many diapers i change in a day or how miraculously i scrubbed bingo dabber out of the rug.

but as my wise husband always reminds me there are lessons in the losses, choices in the chaos. in my very young experience as a mom, i want to learn my lessons fast so i don't have to repeat them tripley, as i'm sure anyone would agree. so i thought i would record some of the little treasure i have mined out of the sleepless nights, frazzled hair and piles of poop before my hormone soaked mind forgets them. hopefully this little list will grow quickly over time.