before the curse.

i was folding just one of the small baskets of laundry that had avalanched down the stairs from the mighty mountaintop of camping laundry that awaited me at the top of the stairs, when i had a thought.

there was absolutely no laundry before the curse. adam & eve were butt-naked. there wasn't a single matchless sock in the garden of eden. not a loincloth. no coconut bra in sight. nothing. which logically one would deduce that laundry then is absolutely either a result of the curse or the very curse itself. i believe the latter. ;)

my children love to be naked. it's a nice perk of not living in the city anymore that they can run free & wild & naked. i actually mandated their partial nudity after i found them soaked up to their necks in pond muck while wearing their very expensive school uniforms. i said, no more clothes! only undies shall be sacrificed to the pond yuck. and a small nudist colony has emerged as a result.

after a subsequent conversation with kai, while explaining the societal expectation to remain fully clothed while in public,  he asked me if we would have to wear clothes in heaven. and i thought, i have no idea but i will find out!

and then, in my wanderings to answer such an awesome question, i found this gem...

" eve's curse: in relation to her husband, her "desire will be to" him, an unusual hebrewism that means an ambition to control, manipulate and possess someone (in it's occurrence in genesis 4:7). this is having led her husband into sin, she must now live with a continuing urge to subordinate him to her wish and will. his reaction will be not only to resist this takeover but to use his greater strength to rule her. male domination is the inevitable result of this struggle for supremacy of wills. in genesis 3:16 lies the real explanation for the centuries of exploitation and suppression of women, against which feminism is validly protesting. 

incidentally, it also means that a husband that is hen-pecked has chosen to capitulate, usually for the sake of domestic peace. the advent of rule to describe marriage was not the introduction of subordination but the exaggeration of it (in much the same way as pain in childbearing was increased). responsibility for direction in the male became reaction into domination. the male-directed garden is now a male-dominated jungle. each sex sees the other as an object (rather than a subject) to serve its own purposes. 

this situation can be remedied only by Divine grace, by redemption rather than by legislation or revolution. God's strategy is to plant on earth a community of men and women who live as adam and eve did, in his creational order (except for nudity, which will never reoccur, even in heaven)." 

~ david pawson

wow. both kai & i were a little disappointed about the last line of that one. but the beginning & middle, magnificent. i feel like my whole life, society & culture has been illuminated, dissected & explained to me. how incredible is God's plan for redeeming marriage... not sure what His plan is for redeeming laundry but i'm sure He has one. He redeems all things. ;)

p.s. i eased kai's disappointment by reassuring him that although he may not be naked in heaven, he could likely ride a shark while eating chocolate chips well past bedtime instead ;) we conclusively decided that a bathing suit might be a good idea anyways whence riding a shark on the riptides of heaven with a handful of chocolate chips. a little less squeaky, squeaky. ;)

p.s.s. this must be the most random blog post you've ever read. they are but the desperate ramblings of a procrastinating woman about to take the plunge into a neck high laundry swamp for an 18 hour shift of folding. and they were naked no more...

my husband is a hero!

my husband has always been my hero but recently became a bonafide one. :)

this poor cyclist was denied help by not one but two people before steve found her by the roadside. a true good Samaritan story:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/goose-attack-leaves-ottawa-cyclist-shaken-and-scarred-1.2686751

i met her yesterday & she is well on the mend. she even quietly hid a small gift for our kids in our front entryway to thank him. as she was getting into her car, she asked me if we had told our kids about the event (the question made more sense once we found her gift) but i had said we only had given a very general account to them to explain why he was late getting home. but it made me think. think about how much i haven't taken the opportunity to celebrate & praise their daddy for the daily hero that he is to us. in fact, when steve had texted to say he would be quite a bit later due to the accident, i was a little miffed inside, if i were to be honest. miffed that i had to single parent again for another night. how silly is that. how embarrassing & selfish my attitude. i totally understood that he was needed in that situation & that that was more important than the crazy household i found myself in but i still quietly was slightly annoyed.

the importance of this was highlighted to me again when a few days later steve himself was taken to the hospital by ambulance. he is now also recovered from the terrifying event but i will certainly take every opportunity i can to celebrate their daddy. things may not happen the way i want them to each day. the trash may not get taken out or things around the house may not get done as fast as i'd like them to but that changes nothing about the kind of man their father & my husband is. i will take every opportunity i can now to both see & celebrate the great man of God that i have the privilege of being married to. :)

bury your wife {entitlement & indulgence}

the soul indulges in its various delights. a movie & a glass of wine at the end of the day. delight. a day at the beach, making eye contact with no one but my book.  delight.  but say the word sacrifice & my flesh screams. say three more sleeps until daddy is home & i begin to cry. just mention the word airport or meeting or delayed flight & my soul sinks. there is sacrifice & then there is just life.  i have spent the greater part of this year learning to distinguish between the two.
when my two year old beckons me up twenty one stairs for the upteenth time well past bedtime. that's life.  when my husband is caught in traffic, two hours away or dinner has been burnt to a crisp & i am frizzed to a frazzle. c'est la vie.  when poop is pouring out of every clothing orifice on a sunday morning & i have less than a three wipes chance of saving that onesie.  that's having kids. sacrifice is all about the giver.  all about the heart. it isn't sacrifice until it's intentional. unless there is a choice. a setting apart. a giving of one's self willingly toward the other.  it cannot be forced or squeezed from one's heart, pried from one's fingers.  it is the tangible manifestation of a generous heart.  an overflow of love broken on the alter. an offering of one's conveniences, of one's comfort, of one's priorities, of one's plans. a surrendering of one's life.  a death to self.
it is the same with marriage & entitlement. gathering all of my husbands nights off to myself. entitlement. having him by my side for every uncomfortable moment in life. entitlement.  having my husband share the night shift with four sick kids.  entitlement.  having my heart awakened by my husband's passion for the kingdom, his fervour for the King. that's marriage. oh, how that makes my spirit leap. sharpening like iron meets iron, pushing me toward my Saviour. marriage.  illuminating & awakening the work of the Holy Spirit in me, pursuing the magnificent perfection of Christ's glory here on earth.  that, is covenant keeping marriage. he is not my fellow mom. he is not merely my aid. and although he is indeed a helper & a comforter, he is not the Comforter, the Councillor, the Helper. he is my God-given partner on this journey called life.
i have often made marriage something it is not.  i feel as though i have woken up from a "cultural mirage" as john piper puts it.

"how much more will the magnificence of marriage in the mind of God seem unintelligible in a modern western culture, where the main idol is self; and its main doctrine is autonomy, and its central act of worship is being entertained... such a culture will find the glory of marriage in the mind of Jesus virtually incomprehensible." 

{john piper, the momentary marriage}

marriage is not, in essence, about me. it is about the glory of God. there are times when marriage is sacrifice.  not necessarily to the other person but to God. it is a picture, a reflection, a display of the most intensely wild romance of all time, Christ's pursuit of the church, His pursuit of me.  i have only begun to scratch the surface of this revelation & i already feel like i've been set free from my "small, worldly, culturally contaminated, self-centred, Christ-ignoring, romance-intoxicated, unbiblical view of marriage" and released into the wild wonder of God's purpose for marriage {john piper, the momentary marriage}.
i once heard keri jones share a story about the best advice he had ever been given about marriage.  at the announcement of his engagement to his now wife of many years, a wise man said "don't forget to bury your wife".  keri thought he miss heard what he said and clarified that it was indeed a marriage they were to celebrate not a funeral.  the wise man said "i know. don't forget to bury your wife on the other side of the cross".  this story has completely radicalized my perspective & experience of marriage. the wise man was opening a revelation about putting the pursuit of your wife second to your pursuit of Christ.  some could argue that you serve Christ while serving your wife, a two-in-one deal.  and that is true to some extent.  but there is a seat in your heart that only one can sit on.  i have seen many enthrone their loved ones or themselves unknowingly on that throne, in the name of marriage, in the name of family, even in the name of Christ.  but there is only One worthy to sit in that throne.
i have made the mistake of thinking that because marriage & kids have been a part of my life long dream, because i have wanted it since i was small, that it was about me.  about my dream.  about serving my own happiness.  my own fulfillment.  but alas, it is the holy sacrifice of dreams.  it is an all consuming flame.  an alter to the King.  in essence, when marriage is purposed, for those who carry the same revelation, it is an invitation to come die with me everyday, in every way. it is but a door to the cross.
the time has come for me to make the choice to live for the King & build His kingdom instead of living for myself & building my life.  i know i could build a happy life, with my four beautiful kids, in my lovely home, with my loving husband, living in the top 1% of the world.  and i could be content.  it would be a good life.  but good is the enemy of great. i know i would rob the world, rob my children, rob my spouse, rob myself & my soul of what i was born to be. in truth, if what i live for at the end of the day is a glass of wine & couch time with my hubby i will be wholly unsatisfied & i will gradually lose myself. at the end of my life, when i stand before the Holy King of Kings, in all His majesty, i will stand as an individual, without the things of this world surrounding me & i will have to give an account for how i spent my soul.  and what i want say on that day, what i want to have lived without any doubt is that He is my Lover, my Pursuit, my Life and i cannot live for anything less than seeing the fullness of His glory perfected in me here as i am a wife, as i am mother... as i am a great many things. and this is the great mystery. when one gives up something of great cost to the Beloved, when they plunder their lives for Him they are found full. filled to overflowing satisfaction. complete. unwanting for anything. when they break themselves open for Him they are found whole.

"marriage refers to Christ & the church- every marriage, no matter how pendulum-like because of our sin; every marriage, even if the couple doesn't care a bit about Jesus...God designed marriage to be a picture.  that makes me ask myself, how clear & well focused is the portrait of Jesus that our marriage is displaying" {noel piper}

beautiful blessings, ugly doors

 my husband travels from time to time.  it's an integral part of his God given calling.  it's not my favourite part but it is a necessary part.  this is challenging for us at the stage of family life we are at.  i have found myself at a crossroads of seeing & understanding the need for travel but also feeling the weight of carrying family life while steve is gone. in previous travels & trips, that weight has been crushing.  but these past few travels & trips have been a revelation to me.  they have been a gift i could not have gone without.

my first revelation was in seeing it all as a gift.  i have been reluctant or resistant to giving in this area of my life. it is a sweaty, stinky, ugly sacrifice.  there is nothing romantic about sleepless nights, shower-less days, piles of poop & constant single-handed disciplining.  i think i had subconsciously decided that because i was reluctant to giving in that area, i had to exaggerate my sacrifice to make it count for more.  i had to make a choice.  a choice to receive His provision not a choice to see the sacrifice, to see the lack.   to see that Christ increases in the situation not the anti-Christ.  i previously have not wanted to see God's provision because it was not the way i preferred Him to provide.  i wanted Him to provide through Steve & to be honest, i really do love to play victim occasionally.  God doesn't conceal blessings from us but for us.  and sometimes He hides it in places we don't want to look like places sacrifice.  beautiful gifts are found behind ugly doors.  heaven's treasure buried beneath uncomfortable places.

we always discuss trips together, submitting to each others needs & desires & convictions.  but when i began to seek & hear God myself as to the purpose of the trip, i can go forth out of my own convictions. i then felt as though i had played a crucial role in God's purpose by releasing him to go.  after i had processed in my spirit to release steve to do something, then my heart & mind followed.  it completely deflated the opportunity for resentment & opened the door to joy & peace. the process of releasing him has been crucial in my journey.  when there is joy & peace in my heart rather than resentment, i believe it has opened heaven's outpouring of God's resources for me & i have been in a better place to see & receive it.  i provide the sacrifice, He provides the fire.  tipping resentment & pain on it's head & turning in, instead of away from God my Father.  it's that sweetly surrendered place of intimacy with the Lord.  sometimes when steve returns from his travels, i ache & crave the times of sole reliance on the Father.  i don't ever want that passionate pursuit of Him to fade as i have the opportunity to lean on other things.  even God given things like my husband.

it is the ugly turned beautiful. pain transformed into healing.  lack transpired into abundance.

*part deux still to come on this theme of sacrifice... i have learned so much over the past year, too much to fit in just one blog post... stay tuned!

healthy date, healthy mate {date night}

i've heard kickboxing can be great marriage therapy! :)

date night for us usually consist of unhealthy habits like stuffing our faces with food or a long movie or the long chat about work/kids while stuffing our faces combo.  which is ok every once in a while but not necessarily the healthiest way to de-stress & often ends in bloated tiredness.  we have guarded our home vigilantly & promoted healthy habits where ever possible when it comes to our kids.  but as we are continuing to realize, our kids are more perceptive than we think & we need to model health even when the kids aren't looking.  but it's not just about the kids, this is about us.  we often like to set goals or talk about our dreams on date nights.  so it got me thinking... what better way to bond than start investing in each others interests & sharpen/expand our healthy habits & skills set.   to help give us a boost, we have preplanned our first couple of dates which includes a tour/workout at a new club we're considering, a trip to le nordik & guitar lessons, just to name a few. all are about the same amount of money & time just creative & life building.  it's a great way to prioritize & push each other into new things we wouldn't otherwise have the courage or time to do on our own.  looking forward to the multiple ways we find to release stress & finally get to some of those dream lists.  i am really looking forward to this.  i'm sure we'll still go out for dinner & a movie every once in a while but it is also really nice to try something different.
here's to the healthy date, healthy mate initiative!
cheers!

the marriage chronicles

in honour of valentines day, elisabeth elliot & all things love, i thought i'd write a little bit about marriage for a change ... after all, that's where this story began! all the kids, all the homemaking, all that is life as i know it now started when a man asked this woman to be his wife.  and i've never regretted my answer!

cheers to this wonderful adventure called marriage!

a marriage in the making

  Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become "whole" and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.

We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married. - Stanley Hauerwas, Duke University Ethics professor

oh, how culture can be deceptive. enjoying this, knowing this is where we started... and oh, how far we have come! loving life learning to love. loving seven years of marriage to the most wonderful man i know!

notes to a daughter {love letters}

i stumbled upon this the other day and it made me smile.  as a wedding gift to her daughter & son-in-law, author elisabeth elliot placed her book 'let me be a woman' into her daughter's hands on her wedding day. the book was subtitled 'notes on womanhood for valerie'.  i love reading notes from fathers to sons, mothers to daughters.  it's like watching the baton being passed from one generation to the next.

the book, written in 1970 as feminism was in full swing, was quite controversial for it's time as it provided instruction on femininity in marriage. still not a popular concept these days.

this collection of letters to her newly wed daughter is all about serving God through her calling as a wife.  i hadn't never thought about it that way before.   serving God by serving him.  at the beginning of our marriage, i confession, my soul goal was to convert steve into a little mini-me.  but in my heart of hearts, that's not really what i wanted or needed.  all is growing grace in love. this is why i love these letters so much...

you marry a sinner.  there is nobody else to marry. that ought to be obvious enough but when you love a man as you love yours it's easy to forget.  you forget for a while and then when something happens that ought to remind you, you find yourself wondering what's the matter, how could this happen, where did things go wrong?  they went wrong back in the garden of eden.  settle it once and for all, your husband is a son of adam.  acceptance of him - of all of him - includes acceptance of his being a sinner.  he is a fallen creature, in need of the same kind of redemption as the rest of us are in need of, and liable to all the temptations which are "common to man".

you marry not only a sinner but a man.  you marry a man not a woman.  strange how easy it seems to be for some women to expect their husbands to be women, to act like women, to do what is expected of women.  instead of what they are men, they act like men, they do what is expected of men and thus they do the unexpected.  they surprise their wives by being men and some wives wake up to the awful truth that it was not, in fact, a man that they wanted after all... the world cries for men who are strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer & shoulder the burden of manliness in a time when to do so will often bring contempt.

we are called to be women.  the fact that i am a woman does not make me a different kind of christian, but the fact that i am a christian does make me a different kind of woman.  {elisabeth elliot}

i can only hope to encourage my daughters & sons in their respective femininity & masculinity with the same conviction as elisabeth.  she is at the top of my life list of those that have inspired me {did you know she was widowed twice, married thrice? such a strong woman full of faith!}.

 steve is everything i never thought i needed & wanted. he is the perfect provision of God to me.  there are many great things that i find the provision of God in him... but this one thing i am very glad of... he has never shirked the burden of manliness. thank the Lord that He guides my feet along the path of life.  is there anything more fulfilling than finding your love & living out your calling passionately in grace?

"if you really want to motivate your man and communicate with him, as well as enjoy a fulfilling marriage with him and raise healthy kids with him, stop expecting him to act or think like a woman. he can't do that. nor should he." 
gary thomas, sacred influence