for the joy set before me

lessons in the losses #5: fear is a just a doorway

davith is a two-year old.  and as most two-year olds, he is going through a fear stage.  i had long prepared myself for the discussion on monsters, goblins & ghosts.  however, davith has no interest in any of those seemingly classic, respectable childhood fears.  i realized this whilst almost breaking my leg flying down the stairs after hearing davith scream like he was being burnt alive... only to find out that he found a ball of fluff on the stair which he apparently found terrifying.  we had that long talk about situations deemed scream worthy. be assured finding fluff on the stairs was not one of them.  this was followed by subsequent conversations about the threat feathers, ants, toe lint & cute, fluffy little yellow chicks pose.  

i had an embarassingly simple revelation on the tail of those conversations as i found myself jumping from the doorframe of our bedroom to our bed to avoid being snatched by ET.  and i thought to myself, who is being the irrational one?  at least dust bunnies & lint actually exist in reality.  can't say the same for pruney, bony fingered, sack of skin ET.  i have just always been afraid of him.  it doesn't matter what i tell myself, still afraid, how i try to rationalize it... fear still surfaces.

i now find myself in a dimly lit hospital room, facing much more realistic or shall i say appropriate fears as the stark realization dawns on me that this child will need to make it's way into the world somehow.  after all of the uncertainty of this pregnancy, will i ever get to hold her? when will i get to hear that blessed cry? will i die?  will i rip in two? will i make it to the other side? "...but i'm not ready!"  i scream inside.   as i walk the corridors, the halls are filled with noise.  and i come to the conclusion that there isn't a more terrifying place on earth than being in the labour & delivery ward not yet in labour but about to be.  babies crying, women screaming, nurses chattering, meal carts clammer, sneakers squeak.  but only one question echos - must I drink this cup?

death & resurrection... the hope of joy set before Him.
just when you think you can endure no more, just when you've bolstered your last ounce of will, pushed with everything you've got, breathed your last, resurrection comes. new life. hope.  the kind that cannot be taken away by trouble, circumstances, not even death. for nothing is lost in Him. in Him i live & move & have my being. with Him i entrust my life.  fear cannot defeat me, will not consume me.

fear is nothing to be afraid of - it's just the door we push through to get to the other side.
and we never have to be ready - only willing.
and on the other side of that door?
one waits who knows what it's like to face a cross.  He took the worst of it for us.  And only He can speak to our hearts the only words we really need to hear...
that's what makes it all worth it. the fear.  the offering up of ourselves.
and i believe He says those well done words to each of us made brave in Jesus.
- ann voskamp, the holy experience

 we are all afraid of something, whether it be dust bunnies or ET, sickness or strife, irrational or legitimate.  open the door anyway & face fear head on... hand in hand with the Saviour, as He walks us to the other side called the resurrection life.

Jesus make me brave in you. help me drink deep of this cup & bravely endure so that i too might hold the joy on the other side.


  1. Sarah! You can do it!! maybe you are even as I write this! ET's got nothin' on you! xo B

  2. oh Sarah! I know that feeling. I went in with Isla to be induced as well. Hearing those ladies birthing is quite alarming when you know your turn is soon!