endings & beginnings {letter to davith}

"mom. i busy." you say.

"but dav, i just want a little cuddle?" i say.

"but mom. i too busy. just for a little while, k?" you say.

you indulge me for a moment and crawl up on the couch beside me & throw those small arms around my larger middle.  my heart soars.

"will you stay little for me forever?" i ask facetiously.

"only for a little bit mom.  just a little bit for you." you bounce down & busy yourself with the busy work of building barriers of toys so your siblings can't come in the room without knocking over a toy apocalypse.  piling box upon car, pillow upon baby doll you work fervently until it meets your expectations. hands on hip, you grin with approval. your contagious giggle follows.

sigh. how do i make it last?  how do i slow time down? your childhood flashes before my very eyes.  so fast.  too fast. how could you be busy already? when it feels so much like your babyhood has ended, i desperately try to remember it is also a beginning.  beginnings often masquerade as endings & endings as beginnings.  they are one in the same.  you can't have one without the other, i soothe my crumpled spirit.  i know all to well i have been the one to teach busyness, to exemplify hurry, to push forward. but no need to panic.  just slow.  a pausing of time.  so i can see, i can experience, i can savour the way those blue eyes sparkle when they get into mischief.

"i be right back! but don't miss me mom cause, cause, cause i be riiiiight back!" you climb your tower of toys & jitter off into the kitchen.  my heart hurts just a little, knowing this won't be the last good-bye.

it was you, no so long ago who made me a mother.  who welcomed me into womanhood.  oh the things you have taught me so far, so invaluable. a lifetime of things in just your short little life.  how will i face the rest of my life, the rest of my womanhood, without a babe clutching to my hip - or rather me clutching to my babe?  and i forget, it was Him who grew me through all of the diapers, all the sleepless night, all the will breaking tantrums.  and it is Him who be there through the next phase. isn't that just life's journey? life's purpose? to grow. to grow up.  to grow old & wise.  to move on, move forward, move homeward.  to gaze upon Him who never changes & change.

and so let's gaze together.  let's begin together. let's grow up & walk brave, humble & onward towards maturity together in this long life of adventure.

you return to your mountain top of toys, blue eyes grinning over the precipices & you giggle as you push through to the other side.  "i back mom. no missing me. i back!"  


  1. i definitely BAWLED reading this one! My heart has felt the same sadness in these three months. looking back at how tiny this little baby was, and how much he has grown, but physically and in maturity and milestones. I don't what it will be like when I look back on these times when he is 2, 5, 10, 20, 50 years old. God will bring me through it. I loved this post. Thank you for writing this, Sarah.

    -- Brittany

  2. no prob! definitely something i had found hard about watching them grow. but all is for the joy of the Lord! :)