from the gasps of the other parents to the knowing grins of those who had been there before to the others who just stared in disbelief, i am finding it hard to recover from this scrape. i've gone over & over in my head how i could have succeeded in this context & have come up empty handed. i know we have incredible kids with lots of potential. i can just get caught up sometimes in the limited view of 'today'. i really wish there was some kind of baby factory that pops out perfectly well-rounded, well-behaved kids at the end. i wish i could contract out my job as a mother to someone more competent, someone who always had the right tone, the perfect answer & unending patience & energy. but there are no such things. i don't have to be a perfect mother, just perfect for them & one that loves them without condition, who won't give up on my mandate or the vision for their little lives turned big. parenting is a never ending investment. sometimes i get caught up in the instant gratification mentality of 'why aren't they perfectly patient yet? why are there no tangible results to hold now?' when really patience is a life long process. the pay off for all of the hard work comes so much later. i'm not saying that there aren't little payoffs like kisses & hugs & cuteness. but as far as the fulfillment of patience in their character, we will have to work on that for a long time. when really i am still working on patience in my own character. when i can't appreciate where they are at today because i am so focused on where they are not, i rob myself of so much. i can choose joy even amidst the whining & temper tantrums. all it takes is a sense of humour & a little dash of perspective. we won't always be in the temper tantrum stage so enjoy it for what it is & embrace grace.
so patience is the word of the day! instant gratification is not commonplace along the parenting journey... that's what vision is for. a reminder of what will come, of what all the seemingly tedious work is for... for the joy set before me.